The Dorky Writer: research

Capable: [ˈkāpəb(ə)l] 1. Having the ability, fitness, or quality necessary to do or achieve a specified thing. 2. Able to achieve efficiently whatever one has to do; competent.

The Dorky Writer had already read that definition some time ago. She knew that such adjective wasn't the one that would describe her. She was aware of that, she accepted it. The bad part was that there were some that "believed" in her and this would sometimes lifted her spirits enough to make her believe that achieving things was actually possible. The Dorky Writer thought she could do it. In her way to getting out of the dark, dry path, she realized that all she needed to survive was wrong. The planning was wrong, the map was wrong, the advice she had taken before was wrong. And she was alone. There were no fairies anymore... there were no thorny trees trying to stop her; even they had realized she wasn't worth the effort. The Mighty Thesis had won even before facing it in real life. Alexandra felt disappointed and angry. Yet, this was not surprising.

I had the silly idea that this chapter was going to be way different. I had to take some time. The thesis' protocol needed my full concentration because it was the first time doing something that intense. I read as much as I could, I struggled to get some material, I had big conflicts against myself because I found projects online that looked similar to mine, but at the end I could finish this first 15 page protocol and, even though I wasn't satisfied with it, I felt relieved because I had done it! My ideas were on paper, my classmates were supportive with it, the teacher never said anything wrong about it. All was good.

And then it wasn't.

The second part of the Thesis Seminar started on the first days of September. I knew this was going to be stressful but I was only counting on me arriving late because I started to work on Saturdays again, not that my whole project would be set on fire and die.

Almost a week ago I arrived to class while one of my classmates was explaining her project. I realized I was going to explain just after one more classmate and for the first damn time I didn't feel so bad that I had to talk in a room full of people. I already knew what the problem was, I already knew what I wanted to express in my paper. Again, a couple of my classmates, like in the previous Seminar, looked interested in what I was saying. The teacher got confused. He started asking me questions and I started to get anxious of course. All that I wanted to say, the ways I wanted to do it disappeared. I now realize that I might have answered with things that I actually didn't want to say. In the eyes of everyone, because everyone were watching me, I was wrong. And while the teacher helped one of them to focus on his idea, he didn't do the same for me. I got him too confused apparently. All that time he couldn't stop saying "I still don't see how that could work; I still don't see the problem; I still don't understand."

I couldn't continue with the work that day, which consisted in the hypothesis part. I felt attacked (I know I wasn't but when you're anxious you feel everything is about you, no matter how much you wanna stop it), I felt stupid, vulnerable and unable to flee.

I understand how these papers must be done. I understand where I can be wrong now that I think about the situation again, which leads to tears, unfortunately, but what I can't understand is why previous teachers didn't tell me where I was wrong. Why they let me come to this class if the protocol wasn't correct. And that is related to the disappointment part, of course, the disappointment about myself on one side and the belief from people that love me on the other, telling me I'm capable of doing it when I feel I can't.

My heart and brain are telling me to go to school and quit. But I'm afraid of that too because I can see the face of the school's principal already, telling me to stay and then I see myself staying but not because I want to do it.

I felt better this week, because I know I don't have to go, but I have the feeling next week won't be good at all.

End of Chapter 7.

The Dorky Writer took the path the fairies had suggested, but none of them told her that the bushes would have long and thorny arms that they would try to stop her. One of them grabbed her by the ankle and made her stumble:

"Grab that silly map of yours and look for answers in another damn forest. The way you move, the way you walk suggests you don't even know the final destination. A good explorer would know basic survival skills, but you know nothing."

The Dorky Writer deserved it, she already knew she was too naïve and immature, but that was a painful reminder... or maybe that the sign she needed to forget about the Mighty Thesis. Yet, how many times hadn't she given up already and how many times she had picked up her books, quills, and ink?

I have the feeling this will be long and about a lot of things that might not be related with the first part of this chapter. I don't know how many times I wrote and rewrote this and all of those possible chapters were completely different compared to this final result, they were about my music tastes while writing or about my inability for decision making regarding the thesis. And do you know what made me write in a more 'coherent' way? I'm supposed to be writing something else and I'm prone to procrastinate... ~~I'm starting to see a pattern there and that's not good, no, no, no, no, no.~~

We've been learning about different types of research in the last month at school. I've felt so lost and overwhelmed with new information and vocabulary, which has made me walk in circles through the dark woods. There's some soft moonlight that manages to illuminate the path, though: The teacher has been giving us some exercises that are related to them, so we can differentiate and understand them better. The first exercise was alright. It was about Grounded Theory and we had to make a comparative table that appeared in the book. I tried to apply the problem I want to write on my thesis, so it wasn't so bad (maybe I'll use that theory!), but then we learned about Biographies and Memoirs as an investigation method as well, and the low confidence I had disappeared. The teacher asked us to explain a problem through a personal perspective; it could've been about someone we knew or about ourselves. My first thought was about explain anxiety or writer's block, something I already have in here ~~(OK, now I'm suddenly realizing I express better about myself and my issues better in English, what's happening?)~~

I couldn't stop thinking about that problem... I still can't... BUT I couldn't write about it so I ended up with this. Curious thing is that I think this could work too! I'm explaining my situation, my issue, using my 'experience.' The thing that could not work would be that they'd need background for this but maybe not for Chapter 2, for example, which explains what I wanted to write about in the first place... CAN YOU READ THE ANXIETY HERE? I'm writing this in my class... I'm anxious, I need help! I can't run away. DAMMIT!! If you can't understand this tiny part, I'm sorry! But I need to vent!

EDIT: Ok. I ended up reading my 'live' writing at class... kinda. My out loud reading is crap. My English pronunciation made it more difficult, and I CAN'T ~~FUCKING~~ BELIEVE I DARED TO READ IN ENGLISH! It was the right idea, though. My brain is melting. We've been around 32°-34° C in the last hours and that didn't help.

I ended up writing about The Dorky Writer Adventures (silliest name ever but the only one that's on my head right now) as the result of previous anxiety transformed into sentences and vague ideas that have meaning at the end. This time was a little different because I'm not making corrections; I'm not changing a thing. I let my anxiety speak and let it as it was: a mess. I know this isn't my best chapter (I'm not saying the others are good), but I decided to share it as a personal experiment, to reread and evaluate myself later, to see how different I am when I write in an organized way and in an anxious one.

End of Chapter 6.