Alexandra, The Dorky Writer - Chapter 7

Capable: [ˈkāpəb(ə)l]  1. Having the ability, fitness, or quality necessary to do or achieve a specified thing. 2. Able to achieve efficiently whatever one has to do; competent.

The Dorky Writer had already read that definition some time ago. She knew that such adjective wasn't the one that would describe her. She was aware of that, she accepted it. The bad part was that there were some that "believed" in her and this would sometimes lifted her spirits enough to make her believe that achieving things was actually possible. The Dorky Writer thought she could do it. In her way to getting out of the dark, dry path, she realized that all she needed to survive was wrong. The planning was wrong, the map was wrong, the advice she had taken before was wrong. And she was alone. There were no fairies anymore... there were no thorny trees trying to stop her; even they had realized she wasn't worth the effort. The Mighty Thesis had won even before facing it in real life. Alexandra felt disappointed and angry. Yet, this was not surprising.

I had the silly idea that this chapter was going to be way different. I had to take some time. The thesis' protocol needed my full concentration because it was the first time doing something that intense. I read as much as I could, I struggled to get some material, I had big conflicts against myself because I found projects online that looked similar to mine, but at the end I could finish this first 15 page protocol and, even though I wasn't satisfied with it, I felt relieved because I had done it! My ideas were on paper, my classmates were supportive with it, the teacher never said anything wrong about it. All was good.

And then it wasn't.

The second part of the Thesis Seminar started on the first days of September. I knew this was going to be stressful but I was only counting on me arriving late because I started to work on Saturdays again, not that my whole project would be set on fire and die.

Almost a week ago I arrived to class while one of my classmates was explaining her project. I realized I was going to explain just after one more classmate and for the first damn time I didn't feel so bad that I had to talk in a room full of people. I already knew what the problem was, I already knew what I wanted to express in my paper. Again, a couple of my classmates, like in the previous Seminar, looked interested in what I was saying. The teacher got confused. He started asking me questions and I started to get anxious of course. All that I wanted to say, the ways I wanted to do it disappeared. I now realize that I might have answered with things that I actually didn't want to say. In the eyes of everyone, because everyone were watching me, I was wrong. And while the teacher helped one of them to focus on his idea, he didn't do the same for me. I got him too confused apparently. All that time he couldn't stop saying "I still don't see how that could work; I still don't see the problem; I still don't understand."

I couldn't continue with the work that day, which consisted in the hypothesis part. I felt attacked (I know I wasn't but when you're anxious you feel everything is about you, no matter how much you wanna stop it), I felt stupid, vulnerable and unable to flee.

I understand how these papers must be done. I understand where I can be wrong now that I think about the situation again, which leads to tears, unfortunately, but what I can't understand is why previous teachers didn't tell me where I was wrong. Why they let me come to this class if the protocol wasn't correct. And that is related to the disappointment part, of course, the disappointment about myself on one side and the belief from people that love me on the other, telling me I'm capable of doing it when I feel I can't.

My heart and brain are telling me to go to school and quit. But I'm afraid of that too because I can see the face of the school's principal already, telling me to stay and then I see myself staying but not because I want to do it.

I felt better this week, because I know I don't have to go, but I have the feeling next week won't be good at all.

End of Chapter 7.