Alexandra, The Dorky Writer - Chapter 6

The Dorky Writer took the path the fairies had suggested, but none of them told her that the bushes would have long and thorny arms that they would try to stop her. One of them grabbed her by the ankle and made her stumble:

"Grab that silly map of yours and look for answers in another damn forest. The way you move, the way you walk suggests you don't even know the final destination. A good explorer would know basic survival skills, but you know nothing." 

The Dorky Writer deserved it, she already knew she was too naïve and immature, but that was a painful reminder... or maybe that the sign she needed to forget about the Mighty Thesis. Yet, how many times hadn't she given up already and how many times she had picked up her books, quills, and ink? 

I have the feeling this will be long and about a lot of things that might not be related with the first part of this chapter. I don't know how many times I wrote and rewrote this and all of those possible chapters were completely different compared to this final result, they were about my music tastes while writing or about my inability for decision making regarding the thesis. And do you know what  made me write in a more 'coherent' way? I'm supposed to be writing something else and I'm prone to procrastinate... I'm starting to see a pattern there and that's not good, no, no, no, no, no.

We've been learning about different types of research in the last month at school. I've felt so lost and overwhelmed with new information and vocabulary, which has made me walk in circles through the dark woods. There's some soft moonlight that manages to illuminate the path, though: The teacher has been giving us some exercises that are related to them, so we can differentiate and understand them better. The first exercise was alright. It was about Grounded Theory and we had to make a comparative table that appeared in the book. I tried to apply the problem I want to write on my thesis, so it wasn't so bad (maybe I'll use that theory!), but then we learned about Biographies and Memoirs as an investigation method as well, and the low confidence I had disappeared. The teacher asked us to explain a problem through a personal perspective; it could've been about someone we knew or about ourselves. My first thought was about explain anxiety or writer's block, something I already have in here (OK, now  I'm suddenly realizing I express better about myself and my issues better in English, what's happening?) 

I couldn't stop thinking about that problem... I still can't... BUT I couldn't write about it so I ended up with this. Curious thing is that I think this could work too! I'm explaining my situation, my issue, using my 'experience.' The thing that could not work would be that they'd need background for this but maybe not for Chapter 2, for example, which explains what I wanted to write about in the first place... CAN YOU READ THE ANXIETY HERE? I'm writing this in my class... I'm anxious, I need help! I can't run away. DAMMIT!! If you can't understand this tiny part, I'm sorry! But I need to vent!

EDIT: Ok. I ended up reading my 'live' writing at class... kinda. My out loud reading is crap. My English pronunciation made it more difficult, and I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE I DARED TO READ IN ENGLISH! It was the right idea, though. My brain is melting. We've been around 32°-34° C in the last hours and that didn't help. 

I ended up writing about The Dorky Writer Adventures (silliest name ever but the only one that's on my head right now) as the result of previous anxiety transformed into sentences and vague ideas that have meaning at the end. This time was a little different because I'm not making corrections; I'm not changing a thing. I let my anxiety speak and let it as it was: a mess. I know this isn't my best chapter (I'm not saying the others are good), but I decided to share it as a personal experiment, to reread and evaluate myself later, to see how different I am when I write in an organized way and in an anxious one. 

End of Chapter 6.