Alexandra, The Dorky Writer - Chapter 7

Capable: [ˈkāpəb(ə)l]  1. Having the ability, fitness, or quality necessary to do or achieve a specified thing. 2. Able to achieve efficiently whatever one has to do; competent.

The Dorky Writer had already read that definition some time ago. She knew that such adjective wasn't the one that would describe her. She was aware of that, she accepted it. The bad part was that there were some that "believed" in her and this would sometimes lifted her spirits enough to make her believe that achieving things was actually possible. The Dorky Writer thought she could do it. In her way to getting out of the dark, dry path, she realized that all she needed to survive was wrong. The planning was wrong, the map was wrong, the advice she had taken before was wrong. And she was alone. There were no fairies anymore... there were no thorny trees trying to stop her; even they had realized she wasn't worth the effort. The Mighty Thesis had won even before facing it in real life. Alexandra felt disappointed and angry. Yet, this was not surprising.

I had the silly idea that this chapter was going to be way different. I had to take some time. The thesis' protocol needed my full concentration because it was the first time doing something that intense. I read as much as I could, I struggled to get some material, I had big conflicts against myself because I found projects online that looked similar to mine, but at the end I could finish this first 15 page protocol and, even though I wasn't satisfied with it, I felt relieved because I had done it! My ideas were on paper, my classmates were supportive with it, the teacher never said anything wrong about it. All was good.

And then it wasn't.

The second part of the Thesis Seminar started on the first days of September. I knew this was going to be stressful but I was only counting on me arriving late because I started to work on Saturdays again, not that my whole project would be set on fire and die.

Almost a week ago I arrived to class while one of my classmates was explaining her project. I realized I was going to explain just after one more classmate and for the first damn time I didn't feel so bad that I had to talk in a room full of people. I already knew what the problem was, I already knew what I wanted to express in my paper. Again, a couple of my classmates, like in the previous Seminar, looked interested in what I was saying. The teacher got confused. He started asking me questions and I started to get anxious of course. All that I wanted to say, the ways I wanted to do it disappeared. I now realize that I might have answered with things that I actually didn't want to say. In the eyes of everyone, because everyone were watching me, I was wrong. And while the teacher helped one of them to focus on his idea, he didn't do the same for me. I got him too confused apparently. All that time he couldn't stop saying "I still don't see how that could work; I still don't see the problem; I still don't understand."

I couldn't continue with the work that day, which consisted in the hypothesis part. I felt attacked (I know I wasn't but when you're anxious you feel everything is about you, no matter how much you wanna stop it), I felt stupid, vulnerable and unable to flee.

I understand how these papers must be done. I understand where I can be wrong now that I think about the situation again, which leads to tears, unfortunately, but what I can't understand is why previous teachers didn't tell me where I was wrong. Why they let me come to this class if the protocol wasn't correct. And that is related to the disappointment part, of course, the disappointment about myself on one side and the belief from people that love me on the other, telling me I'm capable of doing it when I feel I can't.

My heart and brain are telling me to go to school and quit. But I'm afraid of that too because I can see the face of the school's principal already, telling me to stay and then I see myself staying but not because I want to do it.

I felt better this week, because I know I don't have to go, but I have the feeling next week won't be good at all.

End of Chapter 7.

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Alexandra, The Dorky Writer - Chapter 5

The Dorky Writer already knew which path to choose, but the old fairies in the woods advised her to take the left side of the fork instead. Both of the paths looked different of course. One of them was full of fruity trees that whispered soft words to her, telling her that the answer could be there, while the other didn't look terrifying but had just some scattered and sad bushes waiting for some attention. That's where the fairies told her to go, but why? She wouldn't have enough food or water to survive.

"There will be hard moments for you, but the further you travel, the easier will be for others to follow. Keep going further, and then more dorky writers like you can pass through both paths with no problem later." 

"That sounds wonderful and everything, but that would let me weak for the moment I face The Mighty Thesis," The Dorky Writer said after she put her notes, some ink and quills in her bag.

"And that's where you'll know if you're worthy to win or not."

I was very afraid to tell a teacher about the idea I had for the thesis, because saying something about it would make it more real. The thing is that way before we discussed about it, another idea came up, an idea I also liked and that I hadn't considered it. So when the real moment to discuss the subject of investigation arrived, I had two ideas instead of one but with no problem to start.

Every thesis is born because of the need to know something or to answer a question related to the subject of investigation, and this need is called a problem. My problem was that that problem wasn't actually clear, of course. I doubt it, but if you read the first chapters of this insanity, I was kinda sure to talk about women's memoirs and how different they are from one to another. Hell, I already had an idea of what to read but I stopped because of my lack of money to get the books (a downfall of not having good libraries here). The thing is that in another class, before taking the first Thesis Seminar, I mentioned something related to fan fiction. I don't really remember how and why I mentioned it, but my teacher said that investigating about that would be very awesome and different because it was related to my specialization, which is Creative Culture. I have to remind you that this teacher, who is the principal of the school too by the way, didn't know about the idea I already had in mind.

So, the weeks went by, I couldn't write a thing in here again but book reviews, another kind of writer's block I suppose, and then the first Seminar arrived. I mentioned that I had two ideas and between the teacher-principal, who was acting as a substitute for that session, and my classmates, advised me to take the fan fiction subject and find a problem, find a reason why I should defend it, because there are a lot of similar works related to comparative texts (women's memoirs in my case) as written final works. 

After that session, ok, why, oh God, why do we have to share these thoughts out loud? My anxiety kicked me out right on my head! my mind was so crowded I had to hide my school notebooks and books under the bed and I better started to clean so I could keep my mind focused on something else. I couldn't even tell my boyfriend or my mom about it, no matter how much I needed to talk about it with anyone because I wasn't really sure what was going on. Had I really chosen an unexplored and almost empty path? I know it's not completely empty, I mean, there are a lot of trails inside that are full of wonderful written fics but I'm going to go beyond that. And I'm more than scared.

This work has changed and it has changed completely... and I haven't actually really started! I think I have a tiny question that demands to be answered, but it won't become real until I talk with the actual teacher of the Seminar. Until then...

End of Chapter 5.

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Alexandra, The Dorky Writer - Chapter 3

I've discovered a very funny thing: writing inspiration strikes when I need to do homework. And, if I really think about it, I used to do that at the University... I could be doing a translation exercise and BOOM! Ale had to write. And she did! Mostly in the last pages of her notebook, and rarely on a second Word document.

So, in what am I thinking about now?

The Dorky Writer had a job: she was also a Jedi Master [insert disc scratch]. OK, OK, not a Jedi Master, but still a teacher. An English teacher, if I want to be more specific. A pretty average one. Nothing special. Anyway... After months, and months, and months of wanting to go to a dragon's hoard, maybe not to steal some money but to politely ask for a loan, the Dorky Writer could finally get paid and feel some silver coins in her pocket. Her first stop? THE BOOK SHOP [insert another annoying disc scratch]. OK, I didn't go there, I had to pay school, and gas, BUT the idea of going is still there. 

Some months ago, I made a TBR list featuring female writers. But I can't lie: I know I still need to narrow my idea for The Mighty Thesis. Should I compare them according to their age? Should I go through a political path? An educational one? What about feminism? Or cultural differences? THE HELL I KNOW! But I think I've selected a good bunch for either case:

• Memoirs of a Dutiful Daughter by Simone de Beauvoir (born in France, 1908)
• Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank (born in Germany, 1929)
• Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafisi (born in Iran, 1948)
• Geisha, A Life by Mineko Iwasaki (born in Japan, 1949)
• Wild Swans: Three Daughters of China by Jung Chang (born in China, 1952)
• Stolen Lives: Twenty Years in a Desert Jail by Malika Oufkir (born in Morocco, 1953)  
• Women & Power: A Manifesto by Mary Beard (born in UK, 1955) 
• Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi (born in Iran, 1969)
• First They Killed My Father by Loung Ung (born in Cambodia, 1970)
• Daring to Drive by Manal al-Sharif (born in Saudi Arabia, 1979) 
• I Am Malala by Malala Yousafzai (born in Pakistan, 1997) 

With the exception of Beard's book, all of these are memoirs (the ones in bold are the only ones I've read, but definitely need to visit again). IMPORTANT NOTE:

I have the idea that when I finish with another two books, I'll get closer to what I want. And I know it seems I hadn't started at all, but I realized something: I started to read Amy Poehler's Yes, Please, and even though her story is interesting and funny (I mean, have you ever seen Parks and Recreation? That woman is fun indeed!), getting to know how an artist of any category became a celebrity isn't what I want to write about.

POINT FOR THE DORKY WRITER! 

It will depend of its availability, but I feel I need to read Women & Power first. It's the only one that has historical references and it might even mention some other women's stories that can help. 

End of Chapter 3.

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Alexandra, The Dorky Writer - Chapter 1

This entry was originally posted on my Goodreads blog on January 19th.

Hey, everyone! I normally don't post ANYTHING here, but that's something I intend to change because I don't want to be alone in this, because the Goodreads community seems to be extraordinary, and because it's time for my social anxiety to get out of the way... for now... I don't know how much this is gonna last, to be completely honest! (I have the feeling no one's gonna read this, so this might work as a diary).

Let me tell you a sad story:

Once upon a time, this dorky and amateur writer collided with the biggest writer's block in existence, so in a way to defeat this ferocious evil, she decided to return to school and get a Master's Degree in Writing Culture. This ferocious evil, whose name she's still searching, proved to be the biggest challenge, academically speaking, for this angsty translator, and even though she faced great monsters, she was acceptably victorious and started to write a tiny bit again, nothing extraordinary, but enough to keep her sane...

But no one had prepared her at all for the biggest obstacle of all: The Mighty Thesis.

Obviously the story hasn't reached its end.

So, the real adventure begins. Even though I can't take the thesis seminars yet, I need to dive in and read a lot. The thesis' main route right now is the study of women's memoirs and their differences in different cultures (The Complete Persepolis inspired me). The problem is that I don't know what would be good to read next, so if you are reading, by any chance, and know about a good memoir, please recommend it to me and I'll give it a look at its Goodreads page and users' comments too!

End of Chapter 1.

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